I don't have much time to write because I have to clock back in soon, but here's an update:

1. Sean asked me to marry him at the Longport point on March 6, 2004. I blissfully agreed, and we plan to get married after he's graduated college. I tried to hide the fact that I'm engaged from my coworkers, but sooner or later, someone had to notice the new ring. ^_^

2. Steph and I had our little get-together, and Ben and Sean actually got along. Preston showed up at the end and I was very happy to see him. Lis and Temple Bob got along *really well*. Dave and Allison may or may not end up dating. And Lynne and Rob just plain rule.

3. I met Hal Sparks of "Queer As Folk" at a signing in Trenton. He hugged me and signed my brand new Superman panties (sadly I wasn't wearing them at the time). I swoon.

4. I have developed an eating disorder.

Now you all may be shocked or confused by some of these statements, but let's discuss the last one since it is affecting me the most at this point in time. I have serious food issues. I no longer choose what to eat because I want to eat it, but because it will make me feel the least guilty if I eat it. I obsess over calories and grams of fat. I never drink anything except water. I never eat any junk food EVER. If I do, I feel unbelievably disgusting, sometimes to the point of taking laxatives or exercising like crazy. Against my better judgement, I've thought about throwing up after meals, but I can't handle the concept because I can't even bear to see or hear someone else throw up. I look in the mirror and all I can see is this distorted image of myself.

One of the doctors I work for asked me today if I'm on a diet. What could I tell him except an embarrassed, "Kind of." He says that I look like I've lost a lot of weight, that I look good. All I see is fat that won't go away, even though part of me knows most of it must be in my head.

I went to dance class last night for the first time since I went back east. It felt good to exercise, to not wear baggy clothes to hide the legs I'm so convinced are enormous.

I'm afraid that if I can't get better, if I can't take care of myself, I will scare Sean away from me forever. This may not make much sense but I have my reasons for feeling this way. At least now he knows and Dad and Mandy know and I can try to get some help or something.

Some days I just want to give up.

"You don't want baggage without lifetime guarantees. You don't want to watch me die? I just came to say goodbye love, hello disease." -Mimi, "Rent"

"Do a little dance!"

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