This morning, or rather yesterday morning since it's well past midnight, Ben #2's mom died. I feel as if I've lost two mothers within a month. I don't know how to feel, all I know is that my heart cries out in pain, for myself, yes, but for Ben as well. He's done some pretty rotten things to me, but he's done a lot of good for me, too, and I love him with all my heart as one of my best friends. To see him go through this is just awful.

The last time I saw Mommy, she was in the hospital. We had come into the room after she and Ben had some time alone together. She seemed so... not happy, but still so strong and so full of life and happiness. We hugged and she told me that if she ever had a daughter, she would want her to be just like me- but that she did sort of have me in a way, didn't she, and I told her yes, she did. I cried my heart out. I was so happy to know that she thought of me as a daughter.

I had felt so at home in her house, with her and Ben, we were like our own little family. She even came to Mom Mom's funeral, even though she had never met her, to come see me and comfort me before she went to the doctor's. I was going to visit her at home this weekend, but now I'll be going back home to go to her funeral.

I just can't watch anybody die anymore- I think it might be killing me. Not a day goes by that I don't mourn for Mom Mom, and now Mommy is gone, too. It's hard enough to lose one mother, but to lose two... How many people can say that they know what *that*'s like?

We're poorer now than we've ever been, and Daddy says he may have to borrow some of my inheritance from Mom Mom. I want to give all of it to him, anyway. He needs it much more than I do. I think I'll just keep a little of it- I need clothes in a bad way, and I should stock up on necessities for school, maybe splurge on a book that I want for Christmas, since it's going to be a pretty small affair this year. It doesn't bother me. We plan to celebrate Weinachten like they do in Germany and open everything on Christmas Eve since Mandy has to work the next day. I made some CDs for Daddy and I have some clothes to give Brian, but I dont know what to do for Mandy. Maybe I'll make her something, if I can think of what.

And what do I want for Christmas? I'd like a job for Daddy, some time to bake and cook for Mandy, and a healed knee for Brian (he popped it out the other day). I'd like to make sand tarts and pies with Mandy, and sing songs with Brian, and hear Daddy laugh again and be happy and not feel sad anymore. I'd like my step-mother to stop being so wicked and let us see Joey. Most of all, I'd like to see Mom Mom and Mommy again, just one more time. I'd like them to meet one another and laugh together and talk with me. I'd like to get a chance to tell them how much they mean to me, to tell them that I love them. I suppose some wishes just can't come true.

"Do a little dance!"

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